You stare at the closed door, holding your breath, attempting to summon all your courage to knock. Feeling how your stomach flutters nervously at what you were about to do. You exhale and rap on the door softly and wait for a moment.
"Yes?" A voice called out from inside.
You push down the brass handle and let the door open inwards, peaking through the gap with your hand curled in a soft fist against your mouth. You see him sat at the desk with a headset resting on his head, looking at you through the door. You see his face soften at the sight of you. So unlike the Medic you usually see.
"Hello," he says calmly, looking at you with curiosity in his eyes. You suddenly feel shy and wave meekly at him before darting inside and closing the door quickly. You keep your head low as you turn from the door and rush forward wrapping your arms around his neck, feeling the sting of tears in your eyes and a quiet sob leave your lips.
He automatically wraps his arms around you, no longer unsure of showing you affection. No longer worried about what it looks like if someone saw, since the door was closed. You sniffle fighting against the tears, feeling a few escape despite your struggle.
He rubs your back slowly, reassuringly, as you bury your face into his chest. The words caught in your throat as you continued to struggle with the feeling that suddenly overwhelmed you.
You feel him shift beneath you and you pull away as he stands up. He keeps one arm around you the whole time and you hear his headset hit the desk as he pulls it from his head, hurriedly, before putting his other arm round you too. You pin your arms to your chest as he pulls you closer, continuing the slow rubbing of your back.
You stand like that for what feels like hours, though only minutes must have passed.
"I-I'm sorry," you whisper softly into his chest when you finally steady yourself. The tears that had been threatening to escape having been successfully stopped.
"It's ok," Medic murmurs holding on to you, as you tried to find the words you wanted to say.
"I'm an idiot," you murmur brokenly as you cling onto him, the feeling of him there the only thing stopping you from bolting from the room.
"You're not," he replies gently, resting his head against the side of yours. You give a short laugh.
"That's what you think," you counter bitterly, the comment drawing a laugh from both of you.
You lift your head up to look at him, your hair hiding your eyes. You feel him raise an ungloved hand and try to smooth your hair away. You quickly shoo his hand away and brush it out of the way, looking up at him briefly before covering your face with your hands.
You make a soft noise; a cross between sadness and annoyance.
"I don't know what I'm doing," you grumble from behind your hands, resting them against his shoulder. He doesn't reply but continues rubbing soothing circle on your back, resting his head against your shoulder, letting you attempt to de-muddle your brain.
You feel your face flooding with warmth, the heat making your head spin.
"I'm overheating, I'm just going to sit down," you say before pulling away from him and falling to your knees to sit on the floor.
"There are more comfortable places to sit, Cryst," he points out as he settles back into his chair his eyes flittering around the room before resting on you for a moment then away again.
You huff and fan yourself, pleading with yourself that the headache would subside and you'd cool down.
"You could always remove your jacket?" he offered but you quickly counter with a "No" as you shake your head.
More minutes pass and you finally cool down enough and look up to see him waiting patiently for you.
"I think you heard me wrong, the last time we spoke," you tell him, your voice fading slightly as you felt you heart jump in your chest.
"Ah, right," he responds looking at you with pale blue eyes, eyes that should be cold but were not. You look away, too scared to stare at those eyes too long.
"I wanted to try," you admit, a weak scared laugh escaping you lips.
"Of course you did," he agreed, as you kept letting your eyes wander anywhere but at where he was.
"I know you probably don't want to but I just wanted to clear things up," you continue the words spewing from your mouth.
"So when I said I wanted to meet her..." He asked and you look up letting your eyes see his.
"Yeah, it confused me," you chuckle weakly, trying to hid the fact your stomach was twisting in anticipation.
"Are you confused now?" He asks you softly, his eyes lingering on you for a few moments before turning away, staring at the paperwork on his desk.
"I don't think so. We aren't going to try, are we?" you breathe, feeling the happiness you felt from uncovering your mutual feelings for one another ebb away to something different. Colder.
"No, it's for the best," he agrees watching you again with bright blue eyes. You keep your face static as a sinking feeling filled your stomach, your heart squeezing, ever-so tightly. You laugh and place a fake smile on your face looking him in the eye, almost defiantly.
"Least we have this sorted, Seb." You smile tightly watching him smile unsurely.
Those eyes watching for the slightest hint that you were lying.
You get to your feet the smile still plastered on your face, "I should probably leave you to your work," you chirp falsely, leaning in to embrace him once more before turning away. You reach the door and pull it open before turning slightly to cast a glance over your shoulder.
"Bye, Seb," you call before feeling the smile slip, as you rushed down the corridor to your own room. Once safely inside, you sit on your bed the smile no longer on your lips. You hold yourself, willing yourself not to cry.
But within seconds, you break.
You let a weak noise leave your mouth as tears filled your eyes and escaped down your cheeks. The sinking feeling swallowing you whole as the tears continue to fall and you began to shake.
You didn't want to give up. You didn't.